In my twenties I experimented with polyamory and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. For years I associated polyamory with toxicity and general bs. Only recently have I re-examined that feeling. Were my monogamous relationships at that time any less toxic? Absolutely not. I didn't value myself and I did not set healthy boundaries. Additionally, it's a lot easier to find the toxic "serial daters" who don't have interest in healthy relationships, because those people spend the most time on dating apps and trying to meet new people. They are pretty easily weeded out when boundaries are set and stuck to, but I had not learned how to do that yet (I say easily, boundaries are not easy, but they will show their true colors quickly if you stick to them). I never found a healthy, mutually respectful poly relationship, and maybe that's okay for me, but I wish I had this perspective then. Thanks for always helping me examine my preconceived notions and consider a new perspective.
Thank you SO much for this. It's really helpful. Personally, I felt trapped in my monogamous relationships, and feel more secure in my present polyamorous relationship. I don't have any other partners yet, but going from monog to poly with my partner has made me feel so much better, more free.
Thanks for this, Clementine. All your writing on the challenges of polyamory has been really validating and resonated a lot, but it's an important reminder that there are, of course, reasons that you choose to do it anyway, AND that it gets better. I'm currently feeling a bit stuck, as my partner and I only achieved secure attachment after they went through a breakup, and they haven't dated anyone in the two years since. I'm nervous that when they start dating someone, I'll fall apart. I'm looking forward to part two and any advice you have on navigating big relationship shifts.
Aaahhh I resonate so hard with this; thank you for taking the time to put it into words. This feels like the hardest thing to convey to people who haven't yet interrogated compulsory monogamy (especially as a man, where people immediately assume I just want more sex):
"I live my life in a polyamorous way and from a polyamorous worldview, and this shapes my entire life, not just my romantic relationships."
I too yearn for a world in which monogamy is just one of many beautiful ways of choosing to express love, rather than an unexamined default setting... and find so much beauty in living polyamorously (understood as a political worldview made real in relationship).
"We are all actually polyamorous in the sense that at our best we have multiple important loving relationships. We might choose to explore sexuality, eroticism, and/or romance in some of our relationships or in only one, but either way, we love multiple people. And either way, loving well meaning loving intentionally. Polyamory is part of the larger human conversation on love."
Thank you for this piece! As somebody who's never been poly but has a deep interest in what the experience is like, this was very enlightening (it's only one person's experience, yours, but still).
Looking forward to reading your next article on the topic :)
Always a fascinating topic, thank you!
In my twenties I experimented with polyamory and it left a really bad taste in my mouth. For years I associated polyamory with toxicity and general bs. Only recently have I re-examined that feeling. Were my monogamous relationships at that time any less toxic? Absolutely not. I didn't value myself and I did not set healthy boundaries. Additionally, it's a lot easier to find the toxic "serial daters" who don't have interest in healthy relationships, because those people spend the most time on dating apps and trying to meet new people. They are pretty easily weeded out when boundaries are set and stuck to, but I had not learned how to do that yet (I say easily, boundaries are not easy, but they will show their true colors quickly if you stick to them). I never found a healthy, mutually respectful poly relationship, and maybe that's okay for me, but I wish I had this perspective then. Thanks for always helping me examine my preconceived notions and consider a new perspective.
Thank you SO much for this. It's really helpful. Personally, I felt trapped in my monogamous relationships, and feel more secure in my present polyamorous relationship. I don't have any other partners yet, but going from monog to poly with my partner has made me feel so much better, more free.
Thanks for this, Clementine. All your writing on the challenges of polyamory has been really validating and resonated a lot, but it's an important reminder that there are, of course, reasons that you choose to do it anyway, AND that it gets better. I'm currently feeling a bit stuck, as my partner and I only achieved secure attachment after they went through a breakup, and they haven't dated anyone in the two years since. I'm nervous that when they start dating someone, I'll fall apart. I'm looking forward to part two and any advice you have on navigating big relationship shifts.
Aaahhh I resonate so hard with this; thank you for taking the time to put it into words. This feels like the hardest thing to convey to people who haven't yet interrogated compulsory monogamy (especially as a man, where people immediately assume I just want more sex):
"I live my life in a polyamorous way and from a polyamorous worldview, and this shapes my entire life, not just my romantic relationships."
I too yearn for a world in which monogamy is just one of many beautiful ways of choosing to express love, rather than an unexamined default setting... and find so much beauty in living polyamorously (understood as a political worldview made real in relationship).
"We are all actually polyamorous in the sense that at our best we have multiple important loving relationships. We might choose to explore sexuality, eroticism, and/or romance in some of our relationships or in only one, but either way, we love multiple people. And either way, loving well meaning loving intentionally. Polyamory is part of the larger human conversation on love."
Thank you for this piece! As somebody who's never been poly but has a deep interest in what the experience is like, this was very enlightening (it's only one person's experience, yours, but still).
Looking forward to reading your next article on the topic :)