Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability, as always, Clementine. Your writing has been a profound companion for me over 2023 in particular alongside my own deep dive into trauma healing and I'm very, very grateful!
This really resonated with me. I’m almost 6 years into a loving, healthy relationship with my partner, and 2 years into intensive EMDR therapy. I’ve only noticed in the past 6 months a confidence in asserting my own anger to my partner, knowing he can withstand it, that I will not be punished for it, and I am within my right to communicate it when it comes up. I find that the anger transforms into joy very quickly, at being able to act rather than freeze when I experience pain, a feeling of unfairness, or hurt. It feels good to move swiftly and assert exactly how I feel as I feel it.
This made me feel so much better about my emotional reactions in relationships this past year. It’s like I’ve never actually felt anger before. I’m finally learning how to stand up for my emotional needs in a relationship and my anger feels so scary and intense. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Thank you for sharing your growth so vulnerably. Your writing has been so valuable for helping me understand my own journey.
I think here's a tendency to like... claim "fault" for participation in a relationship that didn't work out rather than just awareness around why it didn't work out. It's all good to figure things out together. And if you can do it with a person you love(d) rather than needing to do it in the harder settings that's probably ideal right? Good luck out there and here's to many more mutually beneficial relationships!
I've been thinking about this article for weeks. Especially the bit about Clover and the puppy at the dog park.
It's prompted me to start watching the animals in my life closer to see the ways they navigate boundaries with other animals.
My partner got a kitten a few months back and at first there was a lot of conflict between the kitten and their older cat (which at the time was very distressing to me), but I've watched the kitten slowly learn the cat's boundaries and now they even play together peacefully sometimes. These days when the cat hisses or bats at the kitten it doesn't stress me out in the same way. It's like "well, there's a learning opportunity for her"
mmm, vulnerably and powerfully shared, thank you. one of my favorite definitions about the difference between resentment and anger comes from Xavier Dagba, who knows that anger is a sign of a boundary violation, while resentment is a sign of a violation of a boundary that wasn't set. part of what I'm hearing is that when you notify your partners of a boundary violation, their refusal to take appropriate accountability exacerbates the violation and moves it from resentment to anger: what had been inward directed at your own disappointment at yourself for not showing up the way you aspire to, now feels validated: the body that didn't feel safe setting the boundary in the moment turns out to have had a reasonable fear that the boundary would not be respected.
I'm glad you had at least one positive disconfirming experience. as you know better than most, it is definitely a skill set to take feedback about when our behavior has caused harm and to take appropriate accountability inside of a punitive culture. to loving boundaries in 2024 (a subject I tried to unpack more fully here in case of interest: https://citizenstout.substack.com/p/your-boundaries-set-you-free)
Thank you so much for your honesty and vulnerability, as always, Clementine. Your writing has been a profound companion for me over 2023 in particular alongside my own deep dive into trauma healing and I'm very, very grateful!
This really resonated with me. I’m almost 6 years into a loving, healthy relationship with my partner, and 2 years into intensive EMDR therapy. I’ve only noticed in the past 6 months a confidence in asserting my own anger to my partner, knowing he can withstand it, that I will not be punished for it, and I am within my right to communicate it when it comes up. I find that the anger transforms into joy very quickly, at being able to act rather than freeze when I experience pain, a feeling of unfairness, or hurt. It feels good to move swiftly and assert exactly how I feel as I feel it.
This made me feel so much better about my emotional reactions in relationships this past year. It’s like I’ve never actually felt anger before. I’m finally learning how to stand up for my emotional needs in a relationship and my anger feels so scary and intense. I feel like I must be doing something wrong. Thank you for sharing your growth so vulnerably. Your writing has been so valuable for helping me understand my own journey.
I think here's a tendency to like... claim "fault" for participation in a relationship that didn't work out rather than just awareness around why it didn't work out. It's all good to figure things out together. And if you can do it with a person you love(d) rather than needing to do it in the harder settings that's probably ideal right? Good luck out there and here's to many more mutually beneficial relationships!
I've been thinking about this article for weeks. Especially the bit about Clover and the puppy at the dog park.
It's prompted me to start watching the animals in my life closer to see the ways they navigate boundaries with other animals.
My partner got a kitten a few months back and at first there was a lot of conflict between the kitten and their older cat (which at the time was very distressing to me), but I've watched the kitten slowly learn the cat's boundaries and now they even play together peacefully sometimes. These days when the cat hisses or bats at the kitten it doesn't stress me out in the same way. It's like "well, there's a learning opportunity for her"
mmm, vulnerably and powerfully shared, thank you. one of my favorite definitions about the difference between resentment and anger comes from Xavier Dagba, who knows that anger is a sign of a boundary violation, while resentment is a sign of a violation of a boundary that wasn't set. part of what I'm hearing is that when you notify your partners of a boundary violation, their refusal to take appropriate accountability exacerbates the violation and moves it from resentment to anger: what had been inward directed at your own disappointment at yourself for not showing up the way you aspire to, now feels validated: the body that didn't feel safe setting the boundary in the moment turns out to have had a reasonable fear that the boundary would not be respected.
I'm glad you had at least one positive disconfirming experience. as you know better than most, it is definitely a skill set to take feedback about when our behavior has caused harm and to take appropriate accountability inside of a punitive culture. to loving boundaries in 2024 (a subject I tried to unpack more fully here in case of interest: https://citizenstout.substack.com/p/your-boundaries-set-you-free)