I just wanted to say that your recent essays on incest have meant so much to me to read. I am also an incest survivor, and it’s still the thing that is most difficult for me to talk about or write about. You’ve helped me continue to grieve and understand these dynamics more clearly, and I certainly feel less alone. You’ve given me the courage to talk to my partner more about this, especially as we consider becoming parents ourselves. You’ve pulled art and clarity out of the well of chaos and entropy, it’s moving to read. I know it doesn’t come easily or without pain, so thank you. My only inquiry/request, is this—if you’ve found any good books or essays in English on the topic of incest that you’ve found helpful, I’d be happy to be in more conversation with others who are facing what’s been disavowed and trying to break the spell of unreality. Always happy to take reading recommendations. In any case, thank you again for giving voice to what’s so often unspeakable.
Thank you. Unfortunately I have not found any resources on incest that I would recommend. But I will definitely add to my bibliography page if I find any.
There are many books on incest, some by therapists like Judith Herman (Father-Daughter Incest), or Christine Courtois. I've found memoirs very helpful, especially the long and insightful Miss America By Day which I knew about but didn't read for years because I was put off by the title. Also, My Father's House.
I just finished reading The Burning Light of Two Stars by Laura Davis, about her relationship with her mother in exactly this type of situation. It’s profound. Before that, she wrote The Courage to Heal, about healing from incest. The Burning Light includes how she dealt with fallout from her family in the wake of the publication of The Courage to Heal.
If you are interested in narrative/memoir and have the inclination to read books of this type that relate to sexual abuse, I found "If I Am Missing or Dead
A Sister's Story of Love, Murder, and Liberation" by Janine Latus harrowing but ultimately therapeutic to read.
I also really loved Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name." Not incest related specifically but in it, she writes a lot about dissociation, struggling to come to terms with reality, and using her voice, and I found it extremely helpful and encouraging for that reason.
"It felt necessary to take a stand in reality, to plant my feet firmly on the ground and say “This is what happened” no matter what we were all pretending when I went to visit my parents."
I'm currently no contact with my mother, who sexually abused us and wouldn't admit it. I have taken a stand in reality. I was able to articulate to a friend recently the psychological response I was having after I went no contact. It has been almost an infantile time for me, triggering that part of me that feels I will die without my mother, taking care of me. This, despite the fact that I left Home at 16, over 30 years ago. Healing from abuse can feel like a full-time job. I don't really have the words to express my gratitude for what you share, Clementine. We are not crazy. And we do not have to live in a land of lies anymore.
My version of feminism does not include abuse apologists, abuse deniers, abuse facilitators, or abuse enablers. By raising daughters to believe they must ignore or acquiesce to the sexual demands of men, someone who does this is the opposite of feminist in my eyes.
I've been reading and listening for a few years, and I really appreciate your work in general and your recent work on incest in particular. You are pulling ideas out of a cloud of confusion and fitting them with names and concepts that help them ring in other peoples' minds.
I really value your writing and work! I am a parent. Reading your work reminds me to remain humble with my daughter and always believe her! I am ethically solo poly so I can ensure the safety of my kiddo due to what I’ve heard as a therapist, and from others can happen to kids (and to protect myself-let’s be honest- given my own crap relationship experiences). Anyways, I continue to learn so much from reading your work! Thank you!
ugh. can’t even tell you how much finding you and your output has changed me and my life. my story is as complex and wound up and multidimensional as yours. i have only started writing but your work gives me so much hope. hope that one day we can write and love ourselves out of this mess and come clean with ourselves and clear our paths and walk on it with ease, get into our stride and blaze through the fog of lies and forgetfulness into clarity and light.
Everything you write about incest and CSA resonates so deeply with my non sexual trauma as well. The compounding emotional abuse, emotional neglect, the repeated failure to be protected by any adult aware of the mistreatment, the mistreatment not being recognised at all, the shattering of self esteem and trust. Thank you for helping me understand why I struggle so much. I’m learning to validate the depths of my pain and injuries through your work.
What you say really resonates with my experience of verbal, and occasionally physical, abuse by my parents, amongst a generally unhealthy upbringing. That I was allowed to fall off the edge and no one ever wondered why, only considering it long enough to decide that I must be the problem and not that a household full of rage, very few boundaries and little actual parenting may be the real cause. That my brother has been no contact with my father for probably a decade only elicits a, "he's got a chip on his shoulder". My mother once wrote to my friend that she was a terrible mother and thanking her for taking me under her wing. It's something I guess, even if she can't find the strength to say it to my face. My father is in denial. Another of the, "stop blaming everyone else, only you are responsible for you" generation. They would rather live in a world of dissociation and fantasy than face reality. And in that way we have no relationship of depth and never will. I have long given up on my parents actually being parents and doing the job they were supposed to do. I think it's a sad sorry story that so many of us hold.
This is so beautiful, and your feelings in response to the Alice Munro article mirror how I feel reading your pieces. It's easy to fall into their unreality again and again, and you just have to keep picking yourself up and refusing to abandon yourself, even when your anger, pain, despair and crazy, self-harming behaviours have been used against you and you shame yourself all the time for reacting in that way. I really appreciated your post on Instagram about sexual abuse because the caregiver who was abusive towards me and headed the dysfunctional family (with everyone being in a spell of unreality), experienced sexual abuse as a child. She never sexually abused me but she would say extremely off things about my father and I, the dog and I, commented on/mocked my body, asked me for private information about friends etc., and did not allow me to have any boundaries - for example, I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door to get changed even when I was 12 years old.
Hi Clementine,
I just wanted to say that your recent essays on incest have meant so much to me to read. I am also an incest survivor, and it’s still the thing that is most difficult for me to talk about or write about. You’ve helped me continue to grieve and understand these dynamics more clearly, and I certainly feel less alone. You’ve given me the courage to talk to my partner more about this, especially as we consider becoming parents ourselves. You’ve pulled art and clarity out of the well of chaos and entropy, it’s moving to read. I know it doesn’t come easily or without pain, so thank you. My only inquiry/request, is this—if you’ve found any good books or essays in English on the topic of incest that you’ve found helpful, I’d be happy to be in more conversation with others who are facing what’s been disavowed and trying to break the spell of unreality. Always happy to take reading recommendations. In any case, thank you again for giving voice to what’s so often unspeakable.
Thank you. Unfortunately I have not found any resources on incest that I would recommend. But I will definitely add to my bibliography page if I find any.
Thanks anyway! Your work has been a huge resource in and of itself. 🧡
There are many books on incest, some by therapists like Judith Herman (Father-Daughter Incest), or Christine Courtois. I've found memoirs very helpful, especially the long and insightful Miss America By Day which I knew about but didn't read for years because I was put off by the title. Also, My Father's House.
I just finished reading The Burning Light of Two Stars by Laura Davis, about her relationship with her mother in exactly this type of situation. It’s profound. Before that, she wrote The Courage to Heal, about healing from incest. The Burning Light includes how she dealt with fallout from her family in the wake of the publication of The Courage to Heal.
I was given a copy of Courage to Heal and found it very helpful (albeit overwhelming).
If you are interested in narrative/memoir and have the inclination to read books of this type that relate to sexual abuse, I found "If I Am Missing or Dead
A Sister's Story of Love, Murder, and Liberation" by Janine Latus harrowing but ultimately therapeutic to read.
I also really loved Chanel Miller's memoir "Know My Name." Not incest related specifically but in it, she writes a lot about dissociation, struggling to come to terms with reality, and using her voice, and I found it extremely helpful and encouraging for that reason.
"It felt necessary to take a stand in reality, to plant my feet firmly on the ground and say “This is what happened” no matter what we were all pretending when I went to visit my parents."
I'm currently no contact with my mother, who sexually abused us and wouldn't admit it. I have taken a stand in reality. I was able to articulate to a friend recently the psychological response I was having after I went no contact. It has been almost an infantile time for me, triggering that part of me that feels I will die without my mother, taking care of me. This, despite the fact that I left Home at 16, over 30 years ago. Healing from abuse can feel like a full-time job. I don't really have the words to express my gratitude for what you share, Clementine. We are not crazy. And we do not have to live in a land of lies anymore.
My version of feminism does not include abuse apologists, abuse deniers, abuse facilitators, or abuse enablers. By raising daughters to believe they must ignore or acquiesce to the sexual demands of men, someone who does this is the opposite of feminist in my eyes.
just thank you thank you thank you
It makes me sick that so many of us are walking around but good for us for surviving, I guess. Thanks for sharing. You put my thoughts into words.
I've been reading and listening for a few years, and I really appreciate your work in general and your recent work on incest in particular. You are pulling ideas out of a cloud of confusion and fitting them with names and concepts that help them ring in other peoples' minds.
Dear Clementine,
I really value your writing and work! I am a parent. Reading your work reminds me to remain humble with my daughter and always believe her! I am ethically solo poly so I can ensure the safety of my kiddo due to what I’ve heard as a therapist, and from others can happen to kids (and to protect myself-let’s be honest- given my own crap relationship experiences). Anyways, I continue to learn so much from reading your work! Thank you!
Robin
ugh. can’t even tell you how much finding you and your output has changed me and my life. my story is as complex and wound up and multidimensional as yours. i have only started writing but your work gives me so much hope. hope that one day we can write and love ourselves out of this mess and come clean with ourselves and clear our paths and walk on it with ease, get into our stride and blaze through the fog of lies and forgetfulness into clarity and light.
These more personal shares of insight are super valuable. Much appreciation for your care-ful synthesis & perspectives 💜💜💜
Everything you write about incest and CSA resonates so deeply with my non sexual trauma as well. The compounding emotional abuse, emotional neglect, the repeated failure to be protected by any adult aware of the mistreatment, the mistreatment not being recognised at all, the shattering of self esteem and trust. Thank you for helping me understand why I struggle so much. I’m learning to validate the depths of my pain and injuries through your work.
This must have been so difficult to write and post. You’re a kind and honest voice and I love you for it.
What you say really resonates with my experience of verbal, and occasionally physical, abuse by my parents, amongst a generally unhealthy upbringing. That I was allowed to fall off the edge and no one ever wondered why, only considering it long enough to decide that I must be the problem and not that a household full of rage, very few boundaries and little actual parenting may be the real cause. That my brother has been no contact with my father for probably a decade only elicits a, "he's got a chip on his shoulder". My mother once wrote to my friend that she was a terrible mother and thanking her for taking me under her wing. It's something I guess, even if she can't find the strength to say it to my face. My father is in denial. Another of the, "stop blaming everyone else, only you are responsible for you" generation. They would rather live in a world of dissociation and fantasy than face reality. And in that way we have no relationship of depth and never will. I have long given up on my parents actually being parents and doing the job they were supposed to do. I think it's a sad sorry story that so many of us hold.
This is so beautiful, and your feelings in response to the Alice Munro article mirror how I feel reading your pieces. It's easy to fall into their unreality again and again, and you just have to keep picking yourself up and refusing to abandon yourself, even when your anger, pain, despair and crazy, self-harming behaviours have been used against you and you shame yourself all the time for reacting in that way. I really appreciated your post on Instagram about sexual abuse because the caregiver who was abusive towards me and headed the dysfunctional family (with everyone being in a spell of unreality), experienced sexual abuse as a child. She never sexually abused me but she would say extremely off things about my father and I, the dog and I, commented on/mocked my body, asked me for private information about friends etc., and did not allow me to have any boundaries - for example, I wasn't allowed to close my bedroom door to get changed even when I was 12 years old.
Thank you so much for your writing.