First, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Second, the shocking lack of acknowledgment from O’Reilly’s colleagues, who I assume are mostly feminist scholars, really puts the feminist/#metoo mantra of “believe women/survivors” to the test. Do we only believe survivors when their perpetrators and those complicit fit our idea of who we think they should be or when we don’t have a vested interest in publishing/making money off/revering those who are complicit? It hurts to find out those we looked up to did something shitty, but we are all complicit and cause more pain when we ignore or disbelieve survivor accounts. To not even acknowledge your attempt to communicate, to discuss, to add to the body of knowledge, to confront this difficult issue is unconscionable. How feminist are we when we’re unwilling to acknowledge the ways we have allowed patriarchal violence to harm our most vulnerable? When something could have been done, and wasn’t, we are complicit whether we want to admit it or not. Pretending this did not happen does not make it so.
It seems feminists like O’Reilly and Munro care/cared more about their reputation and careers than undoing the very real harm they’ve caused by failing to believe and protect those who could not protect themselves (you/their own children). They are not blind or ignorant. They very much know what they’re doing and failed to do and have refused to acknowledge it. You and all survivors deserve better and I hope you and your family, whatever shape it takes, can find healing somewhere in all this. May all feminists be willing to confront the ugliest and most uncomfortable forms of patriarchy. We can never end the violence if we don’t.
1) hell yeah to Alessandra, gorge if you’re reading my comment hiiii good job ✨
2) I saw that Wikipedia put the information you shared in O’Reilly’s page when you first shared it, but has since removed it, damn that pisses me off
3) How do you feel about other writers that read you and support your work, maybe taking it upon themselves to share your story? Like, if a writer tried to pitch an opinion piece to a magazine/newspaper about this story and about reimagining a daughter-centric feminism, would that feel ok for you? Would you want to be contacted? Cited? Or is that not a good idea? I feel like there are a lot of writers among your readers and some of them will no doubt be thinking about this for a long time. Thanks for taking the time to read my comment, if you don’t wanna think about these questions feel free to just delete it
You continue to cut through the realm of unreality with the sword you have honed over your lifetime. It is such a gift. When you carve for yourself, you carve for all of us. Thank you.
“What I would like you to highlight is that child neglect is actually present throughout my mother’s work”
Absolutely. It’s visible on its own but if there were any doubt, your writing provides so much context and clarity.
I really hope someone bakes you vegan cookies sometimes. I just remember reading one piece by her where the lack of homemade cookies kept being upheld as this like mark of righteous feminist mothering. Sure it’s small compared to other aspects of neglect and abuse, but I always think about that and hope that you get homemade cookies sometimes now.
I just signed up for a paid subscription, despite being a broke and unemployed artist, because I wanted to leave a comment of support and solidarity.
I want you to know how important your work has been to my communities here in Melbourne, Australia, the fact that you always ground your work in your principles, empathy and bravery has helped me to form stronger interpersonal and community bonds. In times of black and white thinking, I deeply admire how you do not shy away from complexity and this informs my own art practice and is helping me slowly find my way back to my own voice.
I have watched you sharing your story about this and it has generated many long conversations between myself and my loved ones. Your story has helped me to better understand the experiences of childhood sexual violence of someone very close to me and for that I am deeply grateful.
Recently, I was reading about Gisèle Pelicot's daughter, who is currently estranged from Gisele because despite Gisele standing up bravely against the horrific sexual violence perpetuated on her by her husband, Gisele was unable to accept that her husband had also done this to her daughter. I found reading about their story heartbreaking and devastating, I wondered if Giselle's trauma was simply too much for her to face the horrifying truth of her daughter also being a victim, or is she couldn't face the shame of not being able to protect her because the pressure on women is so immense. In any case, it made me feel so goddamn sad. My heart absolutely broke when I read her daughter's words of immense hurt that though she had supported her mother through the court cases, her mother was unable to do the same for her. I thought of you and I thought of all the similar stories I've heard from women across my lifetime. What a wound it must be to not only be hurt by gendered and incestuous sexual violence... but to not have your mother, a public figure, stand by your side...
How utterly, devastatingly heart-breaking. But I believe that people sharing their stories can be a way of shining light into the dark and I believe that is what you are doing by sharing your story. Thank you for breaking the silence. Thank you for your commitment to using your powerful and clear adult voice to speak for those who are most vulnerable and often voiceless - children and animals. Thank you for asking us to face our complex, messy humanity because only by not shying away from the complex and uncomfortable can we find ways to break these generational, cultural and institutional cycles of violence.
As someone said below, women like your mother and Munro put too much into their careers. Personally, I never liked Munro’s writing. And when I discovered your mother had been complicit in your abuse, I could not look at her with friendliness or trust or read any more of her work — she knew I would challenge her, and she owes you a public apology. As you have said elsewhere, mothers like this often carry their own deeply buried trauma, and it shows if one looks and listens closely. But as you’ve said very powerfully, that cannot be an excuse. Feminism must not be a sham. I will continue to cite you in my own work and not your mother.
When I first heard the phrase "feminist mothering," I imagined it to be some egalitarian method of raising children (a noble goal, but one which anyone could still fall short of), but I was disturbed by your mother's insistence on pitting mothers and daughters against each other as some sort of feminist act. All mothers are also daughters, though not all daughters become mothers. And not all mothers have daughters, some have sons--is there a need to resist "son-centricity" as well? So her practice seems very, very self-focused and self-justifying rather than focused on all women.
Yes, the focus on daughters is really weird and I think it betrays a desire to repress the speech of adult daughters who speak out about having been made to bear the brunt of patriarchy within the family.
Kudos to the Italian podcaster, and to you for speaking up. How refreshing to see someone responding the right way to your disclosures.
First, I’m sorry you’re going through this. Second, the shocking lack of acknowledgment from O’Reilly’s colleagues, who I assume are mostly feminist scholars, really puts the feminist/#metoo mantra of “believe women/survivors” to the test. Do we only believe survivors when their perpetrators and those complicit fit our idea of who we think they should be or when we don’t have a vested interest in publishing/making money off/revering those who are complicit? It hurts to find out those we looked up to did something shitty, but we are all complicit and cause more pain when we ignore or disbelieve survivor accounts. To not even acknowledge your attempt to communicate, to discuss, to add to the body of knowledge, to confront this difficult issue is unconscionable. How feminist are we when we’re unwilling to acknowledge the ways we have allowed patriarchal violence to harm our most vulnerable? When something could have been done, and wasn’t, we are complicit whether we want to admit it or not. Pretending this did not happen does not make it so.
It seems feminists like O’Reilly and Munro care/cared more about their reputation and careers than undoing the very real harm they’ve caused by failing to believe and protect those who could not protect themselves (you/their own children). They are not blind or ignorant. They very much know what they’re doing and failed to do and have refused to acknowledge it. You and all survivors deserve better and I hope you and your family, whatever shape it takes, can find healing somewhere in all this. May all feminists be willing to confront the ugliest and most uncomfortable forms of patriarchy. We can never end the violence if we don’t.
1) hell yeah to Alessandra, gorge if you’re reading my comment hiiii good job ✨
2) I saw that Wikipedia put the information you shared in O’Reilly’s page when you first shared it, but has since removed it, damn that pisses me off
3) How do you feel about other writers that read you and support your work, maybe taking it upon themselves to share your story? Like, if a writer tried to pitch an opinion piece to a magazine/newspaper about this story and about reimagining a daughter-centric feminism, would that feel ok for you? Would you want to be contacted? Cited? Or is that not a good idea? I feel like there are a lot of writers among your readers and some of them will no doubt be thinking about this for a long time. Thanks for taking the time to read my comment, if you don’t wanna think about these questions feel free to just delete it
Lol hi! Lisa and I both, we're a team and did this together :)
Yes, I want the story out there and anyone can write about it. I’d like to be cited/contacted. Thanks.
You continue to cut through the realm of unreality with the sword you have honed over your lifetime. It is such a gift. When you carve for yourself, you carve for all of us. Thank you.
“What I would like you to highlight is that child neglect is actually present throughout my mother’s work”
Absolutely. It’s visible on its own but if there were any doubt, your writing provides so much context and clarity.
I really hope someone bakes you vegan cookies sometimes. I just remember reading one piece by her where the lack of homemade cookies kept being upheld as this like mark of righteous feminist mothering. Sure it’s small compared to other aspects of neglect and abuse, but I always think about that and hope that you get homemade cookies sometimes now.
😭😭😭
I just signed up for a paid subscription, despite being a broke and unemployed artist, because I wanted to leave a comment of support and solidarity.
I want you to know how important your work has been to my communities here in Melbourne, Australia, the fact that you always ground your work in your principles, empathy and bravery has helped me to form stronger interpersonal and community bonds. In times of black and white thinking, I deeply admire how you do not shy away from complexity and this informs my own art practice and is helping me slowly find my way back to my own voice.
I have watched you sharing your story about this and it has generated many long conversations between myself and my loved ones. Your story has helped me to better understand the experiences of childhood sexual violence of someone very close to me and for that I am deeply grateful.
Recently, I was reading about Gisèle Pelicot's daughter, who is currently estranged from Gisele because despite Gisele standing up bravely against the horrific sexual violence perpetuated on her by her husband, Gisele was unable to accept that her husband had also done this to her daughter. I found reading about their story heartbreaking and devastating, I wondered if Giselle's trauma was simply too much for her to face the horrifying truth of her daughter also being a victim, or is she couldn't face the shame of not being able to protect her because the pressure on women is so immense. In any case, it made me feel so goddamn sad. My heart absolutely broke when I read her daughter's words of immense hurt that though she had supported her mother through the court cases, her mother was unable to do the same for her. I thought of you and I thought of all the similar stories I've heard from women across my lifetime. What a wound it must be to not only be hurt by gendered and incestuous sexual violence... but to not have your mother, a public figure, stand by your side...
How utterly, devastatingly heart-breaking. But I believe that people sharing their stories can be a way of shining light into the dark and I believe that is what you are doing by sharing your story. Thank you for breaking the silence. Thank you for your commitment to using your powerful and clear adult voice to speak for those who are most vulnerable and often voiceless - children and animals. Thank you for asking us to face our complex, messy humanity because only by not shying away from the complex and uncomfortable can we find ways to break these generational, cultural and institutional cycles of violence.
You have my deepest respect.
Thank you. This means a lot to me.
As someone said below, women like your mother and Munro put too much into their careers. Personally, I never liked Munro’s writing. And when I discovered your mother had been complicit in your abuse, I could not look at her with friendliness or trust or read any more of her work — she knew I would challenge her, and she owes you a public apology. As you have said elsewhere, mothers like this often carry their own deeply buried trauma, and it shows if one looks and listens closely. But as you’ve said very powerfully, that cannot be an excuse. Feminism must not be a sham. I will continue to cite you in my own work and not your mother.
When I first heard the phrase "feminist mothering," I imagined it to be some egalitarian method of raising children (a noble goal, but one which anyone could still fall short of), but I was disturbed by your mother's insistence on pitting mothers and daughters against each other as some sort of feminist act. All mothers are also daughters, though not all daughters become mothers. And not all mothers have daughters, some have sons--is there a need to resist "son-centricity" as well? So her practice seems very, very self-focused and self-justifying rather than focused on all women.
Yes, the focus on daughters is really weird and I think it betrays a desire to repress the speech of adult daughters who speak out about having been made to bear the brunt of patriarchy within the family.