Thank you for writing this ! I saw that you have a lot of interest about gay men 's culture. Even if I'm proud of coming from a culture where desire is welcome and pleasure celebrated, I wish we could give the same importance to attunement ! Cause as you say, it's actually so hot !
I think your writing on this is really interesting and important.
I would like to know your thoughts around sex and alcohol/drugs? I feel that what you are saying is great but, in Scotland at least, so many of our formative sexual experiences happen when people are drunk or under the influence.
It feels like quite a difficult thing to reconcile and would be curious to know your thoughts on this.
I feel the same way about substance use as I do about the rest of it. Most people use substances in dating and sex situations so calling all sex that is not sober immediately nonconsensual doesn’t make sense. A strictly verbal communication style doesn’t get rid of the problem either. But using the strategies laid out here can help. Attunement includes paying attention to how affected your partner is by the substance. Shared responsibility means being responsible for the choice to explore while under the influence and to do your best to communicate to your partner about their needs around this. It also means stopping if it seems like your partner is unable to show up in a responsible way. Mixed communication styles would likely include a conversation about how substance affects both of you, what to look out for, what your limits are etc. And recognizing the risk would mean being alert to and responsible for the added risk of sex with substance use. It’s more challenging but I think most people can navigate this responsibly (and do).
I love your approach to sex and attunement. I've never read anything like it anywhere. Finding new frameworks and language to replace the depraved demonization of the erotic which is at the core of Judeo-Christian-Muslim ideology enables us to finally talk about the huge range of erotic desire as everyday human interaction. Religious morality and bourgeois mores around sex must be deconstructed and a fresh understanding discovered ....... one where the issues are health and community, not some kind of fictional construction of evil. Attunement and recognizing the risks in sexuality are brilliant ideas. I hope they become important additions to the discourse. Thank you.
Thank you for writing this ! I saw that you have a lot of interest about gay men 's culture. Even if I'm proud of coming from a culture where desire is welcome and pleasure celebrated, I wish we could give the same importance to attunement ! Cause as you say, it's actually so hot !
I think your writing on this is really interesting and important.
I would like to know your thoughts around sex and alcohol/drugs? I feel that what you are saying is great but, in Scotland at least, so many of our formative sexual experiences happen when people are drunk or under the influence.
It feels like quite a difficult thing to reconcile and would be curious to know your thoughts on this.
I feel the same way about substance use as I do about the rest of it. Most people use substances in dating and sex situations so calling all sex that is not sober immediately nonconsensual doesn’t make sense. A strictly verbal communication style doesn’t get rid of the problem either. But using the strategies laid out here can help. Attunement includes paying attention to how affected your partner is by the substance. Shared responsibility means being responsible for the choice to explore while under the influence and to do your best to communicate to your partner about their needs around this. It also means stopping if it seems like your partner is unable to show up in a responsible way. Mixed communication styles would likely include a conversation about how substance affects both of you, what to look out for, what your limits are etc. And recognizing the risk would mean being alert to and responsible for the added risk of sex with substance use. It’s more challenging but I think most people can navigate this responsibly (and do).
I love your approach to sex and attunement. I've never read anything like it anywhere. Finding new frameworks and language to replace the depraved demonization of the erotic which is at the core of Judeo-Christian-Muslim ideology enables us to finally talk about the huge range of erotic desire as everyday human interaction. Religious morality and bourgeois mores around sex must be deconstructed and a fresh understanding discovered ....... one where the issues are health and community, not some kind of fictional construction of evil. Attunement and recognizing the risks in sexuality are brilliant ideas. I hope they become important additions to the discourse. Thank you.