Neglect signals danger

On noticing and meeting basic needs

Yesterday I took my friend to the spa to celebrate her acceptance into med school. Having had a bunch of major stressors in my life this week, I felt like I could really use the spa too. In the morning, amidst the chaos of my bedroom (clean laundry that needs to be put away, dirty laundry that needs to be washed, various surfaces covered with various objects) I could not find my bathing suit. After looking and looking, I found it and made it out of the house with just enough time to take transit to meet my friend at the agreed upon time. As I was leaving I cursed as I realized I had forgotten my flip flops and then as I continued the walk toward the metro I had the sinking realization that I had forgotten to eat breakfast. I was frustrated with myself — for the messy room, the forgotten flip flops, and the fact that it didn’t even occur to me to eat breakfast.

When I arrived at the spa and met my friend she asked me about my week and I started telling her about the stressful things that had happened. She mentioned that she, too, had forgotten to eat breakfast and so we decided to go to the little restaurant before going to the water circuit. At places like this there is usually very little on the menu that is vegan, but I got what I could and ate a little snack for breakfast. Then we went to the water circuit.

This is a spa where you can talk, which is why we chose it. We sat in the hot tub and got down to the fine art (and rigorous work) of conversation between friends. We talked about many topics, many of them very emotionally loaded and heavy, and as we did we moved between the pools and steam room. As we talked, I tried to remember to look at the big clock on the wall, and I did look at it, but it was very difficult for me to take any information from it. It is hard for me to pay attention to the time, take in information, or notice what is happening in my body while I am caught up in conversation. At a certain point I realized I was quite hungry, and managed to intercept the flow of conversation to say so. At this point I managed to slow things enough to actually look at the clock and read it, and I realized that many hours had gone by. My friend agreed she was hungry too and we decided to go back to the restaurant.

Again, there was almost nothing I could eat. I had a little soup and some bread as the conversation continued full force, unpacking extremely heavy topics as we snacked on our tiny late lunch. Then, after we were done, I said look at the time and decided to call it. As I was leaving the spa I noticed I felt horrible: I was starving despite my two tiny meals, I had a headache, and I felt exhausted. I felt so bad that I knew I didn’t have it in me to go to ecstatic dance which I go to every week and was planning to go to after the spa. I was so tired and my body felt so bad that I had to get a cab home and order a proper meal. It was not lost on me that this is not how you’re supposed to feel after a day at the spa.

When I got home, after eating, I felt like I was hitting some kind of emotional rock bottom. How could I be so unattuned to my own body and inner experience that I managed to feel like total shit after a day at the spa? This wasn’t my first rodeo when it comes to total lack of self-attunement and I knew exactly what skill I was lacking: interoception. I was aware that interoception is something I really struggle with, especially in social situations where my my attention is entirely focused externally, on the other person, on the flow of conversation, and I struggle (or am sometimes completely unable) to simultaneously track what is happening in my body.

This happened recently when I was on a date with a woman I recently started seeing. I was at her apartment and the flow of conversation was so constant that I didn’t notice time passing or anything that was happening in my body. By the time I left I was completely starving and didn’t realize it. Since I’ve noticed this issue on dates with this woman multiple times now, and since it was dawning on me that this lack of interoception was a big problem, I decided to text her about it. I sent her a text: Do you know what interoception means? She said she’s heard of it but asked me to explain. I replied:

Interoception is the ability to perceive what is happening in the body — hunger, thirst, pain, pleasure, comfort, discomfort, sensations related to emotional experience etc. People with trauma can have very impaired interoception. For these people interoception can be especially difficult when there is a lot of external stimulus / information to process (sounds, sights, interpersonal signalling in communication with another such as body language, tone of voice etc). People with complex developmental trauma first of all likely weren’t modelled or taught to notice and make sense of bodily sensation by caregivers and external stimulus was often more important to pay attention to be because it had information about safety/danger and attachment/needs being met.

I have a lot of trouble with interoception especially in situations with a lot of external stimulus / information and this is important info for those who date me to know. Pauses, slowing down, creating gaps in talking, taking moments to check in and tune into the body are very helpful for me. Otherwise I can end up not realizing that I’m totally ignoring bodily cues / needs.