Love in abundance is what my heart was made for

On getting everything I ever wanted

When I feel the expansive pleasure in my heart I want to shut it down. When I feel myself melting into intimacy, that precious feeling of connection I have longed for all my life, there are parts of me that try to shut it down. My anxious and avoidant attachment strategies are two sides of the same coin, two ways to not feel what I am feeling because what I am feeling scares me.

One of the insane things about polyamory that is rarely talked about is how wild it is to be going through major relationship developments in multiple relationships at the same time. Especially when you have complex trauma and disorganized attachment, attachment relationships are a lot all on their own. But add to that the layered effect of doing this work in multiple relationships simultaneously and it can get really overwhelming sometimes.

I was reading an old diary of mine and I came across an entry from about two years ago. In it I was lamenting how constantly numb I felt. The trauma of being cancelled at a massive scale plus the intense isolation of the pandemic stacked on top of my pre-existing complex trauma resulted in a massive numbing effect. I felt shut down and cut off. I couldn’t feel sensation and I couldn’t form attachments. I was so frustrated and angry and I didn’t know how to snap out of it.

Reading those words now made me pause and reflect on how fucking far I’ve come. My problem today is that my heart keeps exploding. My problem today is that I have access to so much sensation and connection that my system is struggling to process it. In a very real way my problem is that all my dreams are coming true. My problem is that the experiences I’ve always wanted are happening to me now. And it is fucking scary to get what I’ve always wanted. It is fucking scary to be open to so much sensation and connection and transformation.