I’m so angry, I don’t think it will ever pass

“I’m so angry, I don’t think it will ever pass.” — Eliott Smith.

“States of overwhelming helplessness, such as the feelings that precipitate addictive acts, produce a feeling of rage. This rage is actually a normal response to the serious emotional injury of losing a sense that one is in control over oneself and one's life.” — Lance Dodes

Eliott Smith’s words about anger repeat in my mind with regular consistency. I loved Eliott and resonated deeply with his pain and anger when I was a traumatized teenage runaway. I was regularly cutting myself, deep in suicidal ideation, and just beginning to dive off the deep end of my long stint with addiction. I was sixteen when I fell in love with his music, seeing myself in it exactly. I was seventeen when he died a violent death, thought to be a suicide. I understood and I still understand exactly why such pain, and such anger, leads to violent death.

Today I’m more than eleven years out of chaotic substance use and recurring violence, more than eleven years into therapy and healing and recovery — but the anger. The anger. I don’t think it will ever pass.