Beautifully articulated. I’ve worked at length with many men on the sex offender registry, and particularly the ones who’ve sexually abused children experience an astounding amount of dissociation. I also get the sense that many of these men are significantly severed from the memories of what they’ve done to children and that their denial or rewriting of history sometimes comes from a genuine belief that what happened actually did not happen. Many of them already have a very deep propensity for sectioning off parts of their experiences through dissociation brought on by their own severe developmental trauma (often CSA) before they abuse children themselves.
What you say describes the people who have abused me. Whether they felt distress while engaging in the behaviors or not, the behaviors themselves and their consequences are in total conflict with how those people need to see themselves in order to survive, so they deny it not only to me but also to themselves.
I recognize that they did not set out with consciously sadistic intentions, and I recognize that they were traumatized. They, too, at least recognize that they were traumatized; but working with that fact seems to stop at trotting it out as a complete and conversation-ending explanation for whatever can’t be dissociated/denied. Notably this retrospective (or stubbornly non-retrospective) behavior has unfolded basically identically in both the man and the woman involved in my childhood abuse.
I hope to never find myself explaining to any child that they can’t be safe because I myself was not safe as a child. The horror of this possible future motivates me to work through this here and now.
Yes — recognizing the role of trauma is the first step not the last step. It must be followed by rigorous responsibility taking. And as survivors we need to take this seriously because we are at high risk of perpetration and/or enabling otherwise.
Thank you, I’ve been thinking a lot about this as someone with OCD. Things are just not as simple as ego-dystonic=OCD and ego-syntonic=bad guy. I don’t think therapyjeff used an “OCD framework”, because not all ego-dystonic thoughts are OCD driven. People are so much more complex than that.
While I get that distinguishing between ego-dystonic and ego-syntonic thoughts can be helpful for diagnosing OCD, drawing lines between yourself and the “real bad guys” actually isn’t good for people with OCD. In treatment you learn to accept uncertainty instead of compulsively trying to distinguish yourself from the bad guys, obsessing about where the line is, checking if you enjoy the thoughts or not, seeking reassurance, etc. When I see people come to the defense of people with OCD over the therapyjeff situation, it looks to me like reassurance which is, ironically, harmful to people with OCD.
Anyone can perpetuate harm. Being preoccupied with not being a bad person doesn’t actually make you a good person. In fact, my OCD has made me sabotage exactly the things I care about. For example, I’ve been so worried about being a bad friend that I’ve abandoned my friends. OCD can even make parents neglect their children because they’re so afraid of parenting wrong.
We’re all swimming in patriarchy and violence, and the need to be “good” won’t fix it. The impulse to separate ourselves from the problem keeps us from really understanding it, and it also allows us to relinquish the responsibility we all have to address it.
Beautifully articulated. I’ve worked at length with many men on the sex offender registry, and particularly the ones who’ve sexually abused children experience an astounding amount of dissociation. I also get the sense that many of these men are significantly severed from the memories of what they’ve done to children and that their denial or rewriting of history sometimes comes from a genuine belief that what happened actually did not happen. Many of them already have a very deep propensity for sectioning off parts of their experiences through dissociation brought on by their own severe developmental trauma (often CSA) before they abuse children themselves.
What you say describes the people who have abused me. Whether they felt distress while engaging in the behaviors or not, the behaviors themselves and their consequences are in total conflict with how those people need to see themselves in order to survive, so they deny it not only to me but also to themselves.
I recognize that they did not set out with consciously sadistic intentions, and I recognize that they were traumatized. They, too, at least recognize that they were traumatized; but working with that fact seems to stop at trotting it out as a complete and conversation-ending explanation for whatever can’t be dissociated/denied. Notably this retrospective (or stubbornly non-retrospective) behavior has unfolded basically identically in both the man and the woman involved in my childhood abuse.
I hope to never find myself explaining to any child that they can’t be safe because I myself was not safe as a child. The horror of this possible future motivates me to work through this here and now.
Yes — recognizing the role of trauma is the first step not the last step. It must be followed by rigorous responsibility taking. And as survivors we need to take this seriously because we are at high risk of perpetration and/or enabling otherwise.
Thank you, I’ve been thinking a lot about this as someone with OCD. Things are just not as simple as ego-dystonic=OCD and ego-syntonic=bad guy. I don’t think therapyjeff used an “OCD framework”, because not all ego-dystonic thoughts are OCD driven. People are so much more complex than that.
While I get that distinguishing between ego-dystonic and ego-syntonic thoughts can be helpful for diagnosing OCD, drawing lines between yourself and the “real bad guys” actually isn’t good for people with OCD. In treatment you learn to accept uncertainty instead of compulsively trying to distinguish yourself from the bad guys, obsessing about where the line is, checking if you enjoy the thoughts or not, seeking reassurance, etc. When I see people come to the defense of people with OCD over the therapyjeff situation, it looks to me like reassurance which is, ironically, harmful to people with OCD.
Anyone can perpetuate harm. Being preoccupied with not being a bad person doesn’t actually make you a good person. In fact, my OCD has made me sabotage exactly the things I care about. For example, I’ve been so worried about being a bad friend that I’ve abandoned my friends. OCD can even make parents neglect their children because they’re so afraid of parenting wrong.
We’re all swimming in patriarchy and violence, and the need to be “good” won’t fix it. The impulse to separate ourselves from the problem keeps us from really understanding it, and it also allows us to relinquish the responsibility we all have to address it.
Great insight, thanks.